Are You Familiar with Paraprosdokians?

Unless you've the current e mail that is circulating you probably haven't got a clue about what a paraprosdokian is!

Read on to find out and see some examples!

I came across the first one via one of my son in laws:-


I was woken by the window cleaner at 5.30 this morning. He was ranting and raging. I think he lost his rag!

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.


Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.


Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a BMW.


Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.


Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


Ø If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.


Ø We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.


Ø War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.


Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.


Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.


Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.


Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train


stops. My desk is a work station.


Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


Ø Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.


Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they
can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them
fish.


Ø I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.


Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.


Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an
emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."


Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.


Ø I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... So I said
"Implants?"


Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?


Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.


Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 52 or 53 for Miss America?


Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a


successful man is usually another woman.


Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.


Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!


Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it
back.


Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way
that you will look forward to the trip.


Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if
you wish they were.


Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live
with.


Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.


Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.


Ø There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.


Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.


Ø I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon... and a


shot of tequila.


Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.


Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.


Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.


Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.


Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as
when you are in it.


Ø If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?


Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


Ø Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.


Ø Corduroy Pillow Cases are making headlines lately.


Ø I LIKE CATS, TOO - Let's swap recipes.


Ø I Like Cooking With Wine - sometimes I even put it in the food.


Ø Dyslexics Have More Nuf.


Ø Sometimes Too Much To Drink Is Still Not Enough


Ø I May Be A Schizophrenic But At Least I Have Each Other


Ø In just Two Days, Tomorrow Will Be Yesterday

And There Was New Garden Fencing Too!

We have just about got the kitchen finished. It has all been decorated and we just await the arrival of the wall tiles and floor tiles! These should be with us on Wednesday 29th.

I mentioned that whilst we were having the kitchen fitted, we also decided to have a new fence in the back garden. (In for a penny, in for a pound!) So we had all the disturbance at the same time.

The dividing fence was made up of split logs, and was beginning to show its age. The new fence, which replaces it is of the "overlap" type.

The original fence between the garden and the field was of planks fixed to alternate sides of the upright supporting posts. The previous fence fitter had built the fence to the lie of the land in the field, and this gave the impression that the fence was sloping to the left hand side!

The new fence has been erected so that the top of it is level, and this means that it is lower at the right hand side than the original fence, so it gives a less restricted view up the fields to the skyline.  

Pantry in Progress and a New Door (Part 2)

 The new "Elephants Trunk" or tumble dryer vent.

 External vent for the tumble dryer.

New lock so that bifold pantry doors can be half opened or fully opened.

New Shelving fitted in the Pantry.

The New Lounge Door looking from the Hall into the Lounge.

The New Lounge Door looking from the Lounge into the Hall.

Progress in the Pantry, and a New Door

No pictrures today, but a progress report on the pantry!

A centre lock was fitted to the bifold door so it can be half opened or fully opened. A magnetic catch was also fitted so when it is closed it remains closed!

The old air vent in the pantry, which had been sealed when we had the external walls insulated, had a medium sized circular hole knocked into it, and a new vent was connected from the door of the tumble dryer to this vent, so that the damp warm air is now vented outside the house. On the outside of this is a swinging plastic trap cover, which opens when hot air is vented and closes when there is no air venting from the tumble dryer - thus allieviating cold gusts of air in winter!

Two large shelves have been fitted in the pantry, above the venting. These have been made from the left over worktop pieces.So we now have matching worktops and shelving in the pantry!

A new door has been fitted to the lounge, matching the design of the one fitted to the kitchen.

Tomorrow we expect Bobby to return to build a radiator cover for the hall radiator, and a kitchen table matching the worktop surfaces.

The decorator is also due to start painting the walls, ceiling and doors!

A Visitor for the Day

Hi there friends and neighbours. It's Ruby here doing a blog! I thought you might like to know what I've been up to since I last got my paws on the keyboard and did a blog!

Well since I last did that we've had big upheavals in the house. It was decided to have a new kitchen, and to be honest with you, I quite enjoyed it, because everyone of the workmen made a big fuss of me. My favourite one has to be the joiner (Bobby) who fed me with some of his sandwich one day.

That's a picture of Bobby (below) from his Facebook page

The next favourite had to be Seb, the plumber, because he brought his eleven month old beagle called Milly and we had great fun romping round the back garden.

Guess who came and spent the day with me today? (and is coming again on Friday and again on Thursday 30th.) My little friend Raffi. We sat out in the sunshine in the back garden, played with all my toys. I even let Raffi have a tug with my most favourite toy - "Cat", then we went inside and had a rest to cool down. We had a long drink of icy cold water, which was most refreshing.

The Lord and Master took a few photos, so I've put them below, for you to have a look at.

The Lord and Master had a bit of difficulty getting the right shots of Raffi because he tended to come up to the camera lens and sniff it, so I sat with him for one or two, just so he wouldn't go up to the camera lens!

Kitchen Fame is Spreading!

It seems that the Bentley New Kitchen fame is spreading! I've just seen the photos below on a certain Mr. R Doyle's Facebook page.



As he is calling round tomorrow I will be collecting the royalties on these!

Would You Believe It?

We have all the kitchen units fitted, The fridge freezer is up and running, the microwave is in full working order, the gas hobs working and water connected to the sink. The tumble dryer is working sweetly and the washer was working sweetly.The observant among you will have noticed I used the word "was", and with very good reason.

For three or four washes the washing machine has done what has been asked of it, despite an extremely noisy bearing.........

Then on the next wash disaster struck. From somewhere under the washer a large pool of water appeared. This wouldn't have been too bad if the tiles had been fitted on the floor and they had been sealed to the sink unit end.... but they weren't!

Water managed to seep under the facing end panel of the sink unit and slowly soak upwards. Soon what had been a straight symetrically sided panel began to change shape. The water had caused the panel to swell.

I had only just taken a spare panel back two or three days before, and just received a cheque in the post as a refund. Now the thought that sprang to my mind was - I wonder if they still have the panel I returned to Skipton?

A hasty phone call ascertained that it was still in the Skipton branch, so a speedy trip to Skipton to pick up the panel was the next thing on the agenda!

The washer service engineer called today - luckily he had had a cancellation, otherwise we would have been waiting for him until Wednesday at the soonest! A repair was carried out, and once again all is well - well as well as can be expected in the Bentley household at the moment.

I have floor and wall tiles ordered and they should be in stock on the 29th June. So a hasty call to Kevin (our local painter and decorator) and Lady Luck was smiling on me, He had had someone supply him with the wrong keys to a house he was due to decorate, so he couldn't gain access. Two minutes later he was in our kitchen, with suggestions for the colour matching and all things being equal he should be starting painting the walls and new kitchen doors on Thursday!

Bobby, our joiner should be arriving again on Wednesday to make a kitchen table to match the work surfaces, fix skirting boards, hammer a hole in the pantry wall for the vent for the tumble dryer, and various assorted odds and ends. Oh! - and put a new end panel on the sink unit base!

Having moved most of the beakers, cups, saucers, plates, bowls, knives, forks, spoons and some of the food back into the kitchen, we now have this wonderful game called "Hunt the Beakers", with exciting variations such as "Hunt the Breakfast Cereals", "Hunt the Sugar" etc. Breakfast time will never be the same again! 

SAINTS ALIVE!

A change from the kitchen today! [What's that I hear you say? - Thank Goodness!]

I went down to church this afternoon to hear a performance of Saints Alive! a musical by Roger Jones.

The choir comprised people for the local churches and some of the musical directors choir members.

The performance was extremely good, with excellent diction - I could hear every word that was sung.

Saints Alive is written in the modern pop cantata idiom, and basically tells the story of Pentecost.

 The instrumentalists

 Chris Lowe - the narrator

A poster advertising the performance

Doors to the left, doors to the right.......

 You've heard of Diana Dors, Labradors &c. well this is Kitchen Doors!
Along with the new kitchen we decided to have new doors fitted to the pantry and the kitchen/hall door......

Looking down the hall to the new kitchen door

 A glimpse of the new kitchen units

Bifold pantry door to the left, and the new kitchen/hall door to the right

New kitchen door looking down the hall

New bifold pantry door

It's all Taking Shape!

The pace of developments in the Bentley New Kitchen World has really speeded up.

 

Above is the new oven and gas hob fitted.

The new sink and washer fitted. 

The Fridge/Freezer in its housing.

The pan (or plate) drawer with inset cutlery drawer above it.

The new sink with one and a half bowls.



The new gas hob.

Gradually it's all taking shape. We expect the electrician in today to connet the oven and the fridge freezer, then we will have a fully working kitchen!

All that remains now is the wall tiling, the floor tiling, decorating - oh! and two new doors fitting (one between the kitchen and hall, and one between the hall and the lounge). Then some semblence of peace may reign in the Bentley household once more!

Maternity Ward Ten

 I wonder if those of you who are long enough in the tooth remember the weekly soap which used to be on called Emergency Ward Ten? It was one of the forerunners of Casualty and Holby City.

We have had to re-christen Hannah and Ben's home "Maternity Ward Ten" due to the number of multiple births which have taken place there during the last few weeks.

First it was Dolly's turn, and she produced five lovely kittens (which incidentally have all found loving and caring homes)

The it was the turn of Macy, who only yesterday produced seven (YES SEVEN) gorgeous little Shih-Tzu puppies.

Proud Mum with her seven tiny offspring!

One of the puppies (just about one day old), in Hannah's Hand.

Almost There, We're Almost There. How Wonderful, Wonderful.......

To quote the words of one of Andy Williams songs

We now have all the doors (except the one which covers the extractor fan) fitted, and all the knobs fitted except one. The observant of you will have noticed that the wall units on the outside wall have been lowered, so that a certain female can reach the top shelves!

All being well the plumber will be on the doorstep at 08.00 prompt and by the afternoon the Gas Hob, and sinks (yes there is a full sized sink and a half sink!) will be in full working order. The washer should also be in situ and in full working order too!

The radiator will have been moved back to the outside wall and should also be in full working order.

The Fridge/Freezer Unit on the left, and on the right, spaces for the Cooker and Microwave to be fitted.

A fuller view of the units, showing the top cupboards and large pan drawer, (below where the oven will be fitted.) 

The triple wall unit on the outside wall, which has been lowered.

We are also expecting the arrival of a workman to remove and fit new fencing in the back garden, between nos 69 & 71, and also along the back of the garden too.

Knobs and Floor Covering

Not too much to report on the kitchen front today. Handles have been fitted to all the doors, and that's about it.

We went to have a look at floor tiles and wall tiles. Firstly we called at Super Ceramics which is next to the Morrison's Garage in Keighley. There were plenty of tiles (all at full price) but none that really took our fancy - (although there were some fancy tiles at fancy prices!) 

We then went on to Magnet in Skipton, and had a second look at the wall tiles on the display which featured our kitchen, and decided that they would look rather special in our kitchen, so we went ahead and ordered them.

The next consideration was what to put down on the floor, we had considered real wood floorcovering, but realised that we have a dog who tends to slurp when drinking, and the amount of water on the floor would not be conducive to the wooden floor covering staying down without becoming "curved at the edges." We then considered laminated floor covering, but once again the same problem was envisaged!

Speaking to the salesman in Magnet he sugested Ceramic Floor Tiles - no problem here as to how much water is spilt on them! We have also considered some floor covering similar to cushion floor which looks exactly like a genuine wooden floor, but once again is not affected by water spills! The third alternative is Vinolay, which we have ruled out.

Samples of the tiles and cushion floor type coverings have been brought home to match to the colours of the kitchen and the worktops.

So what is it to be.....

 Laminate or wooden floor covering?  (N0!) 

    

Floor Tiles?

Cushion Floor?

I think at the moment the odds are on cushion floor!

Wedding Music Fun!

A bride rang me four days before her wedding service to let me know what hymns and music she had chosen (despite the fact, like all prospective brides, she had a sheet which said "Please return this two weeks before your wedding) and told me she was producing the wedding service sheet herself - always a signal for alarm bells to ring! Then announced that she was having a gospel choir to sing two of the four hymns!

I asked her what her choice of hymns were, and they turned out to be This Little Light of Mine (which is in our Hymns Book, and had completely different words compared to the verses in our hymn book!)  and Oh Happy Day (which isn't in our hymn book!) I asked if the choir were bringing their own accompanist and she didn't know. I explained that we didn't have the music to Oh Happy Day, so if the choir were not bringing their own accompanist she would need to provide the music!

Knowing the style of Gospel choir singing (not exctly as your average church congregation!) I politely suggested that she could have a recipe for chaos here if she was expecting the congregation to join in!

I then asked if I could see a copy of her service sheet , which was e mailed to me.

Oh Dear, Oh Dear Oh Dear!

The hymn "One More Step" had verse one printed correctly (as a four line verse), then verse two appeared to be a six line verse (it was actually the chorus and verse two printed as verse two!)

The second hymn was If I Were A Butterfly - the last line of each verse should read:

"And I just thank you Father for making me, me."

Verses one and two did, but verse three lost the word Father so two syllables missing from this meant it didn't fit to the music!

It wasn't until I arrived to play for the wedding that I discovered that the Gospel Choir did have their own accompaniment!

And there are people who think an organists life is easy...............

Kitchen Installation Day 3

We are now seeing the fruits of Bobby's labours. All the wall and base units have been fixed, and the doors have been fitted to all of them except for the Fridge/Freezer Unit, and Oven /Microwave Unit. The worktops are now fully fitted too!

The wall units, complete with doors, either side of the extractor fan.

 

The Base Units, below the wall units above, and complete with doors and worktops. The hole in the worktop is where the hob will be fitted. 

The base units with doors fitted. The hole in this worktop is where the sink and drainer will be fitted. The gap to the right is for the washer.

The wall units on the exterior wall, with doors fitted, the central unit having display widows, so that all the Bentley silver and crown jewels can be on display!

Of course during all this time Ruby has not been unoccupied. She has made it in her way to oversee all the work in hand, and check that it was carried out to her demanding standards!

She has been spoilt something rotten by Bobby. When he arrived he was eating a sandwich, and Ruby being the crafty soul she is convinced him that she was a poor, starving, undernourished dog. In no time at all Bobby was sharing his sandwich with her!

Later Ben and Hannah called, and it was so hot that Hannah went to buy some ice cream lollies. Once again Ruby put on her "I'm a poor, starving, undernourished dog" act, and got a lick of Ben's ice cream lolly.

Later on in the afternoon, Sarah and Raffi turned up, so there was time for fun and frolics then.

It being a very hot day today, once she had finished she decided to take a well earned rest.