The Perils of Nativity Plays......

I don't know if you have heard Mike Harding's tale about school Nativity Plays, or seen Gervaise Phinn on the Alan Titchmarsh show this week, when he too was talking about Infant Nativity Plays, but both were hilariously funny and accurately observed pieces. If you get the chance, try to hear Mike Hardings version, which is called Quasimodo meets the Virgin Mary, or get hold of the DVD of Gervaise Phinn telling of his experiences of infants and Nativity Plays. I promise you that you will never watch a Nativity Play and view it in the same light again!

This being the time when we are rapidly approaching the Season of peace on earth, goodwill to all men, I have tried in vain to resist the urge to poke fun at the politically correct brigade, but when the following arrived via e mail I had to share it with you all!

We are just about at the time when Nativity Plays get into gear, I thought you might be interested in the following guidelines for those about to put on a Nativity Play……….


Nativity Performances: Please follow guidelines for inclusion of any of the songs below

The Rocking Carol:

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;

We will rock you, rock you, rock you,

We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

Jingle Bells:

Dashing through the snow

In a one horse open sleigh

O'er the fields we go

Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions.

Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

While Shepherds Watched:

While shepherds watched their flocks by night

All seated on the ground

The angel of the Lord came down

And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.

Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer:

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer

Had a very shiny nose.

And if you ever saw him,

You would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

Little Donkey:

Little donkey, little donkey

On the dusty road

Got to keep on plodding onwards

With your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period.

Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

We Three Kings:

We three kings of Orient are

Bearing gifts we traverse afar

Field and fountain, moor and mountain

Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.

Away in a Manger No Crib for a bed - Inform Social services immediately.

And you thought putting on a Nativity Play was easy!

By the way! I see there is a film doing the rounds at the moment called "Nativity" which tells the story of a teacher who has (very reluctantly) got the job of producing the school Nativity Play. It has been recommended by the T & A Film Critic (amongst others) as good all round family entertainment. I haven't seen it yet, but plan to do so if the opportunity arises!